Family Constellation Work For Ancestral Trauma Healing

Family Constellation work reveals how multigenerational trauma affects our parenting and offers a path to healing these inherited patterns for more conscious connections with our children.

• Family Constellation is a healing modality that traces current challenges back to events up to seven generations ago
• Trauma can be carried in our DNA, affecting us even if we had a "good childhood"
• The goal isn't to uncover all family secrets but to release burdens that never belonged to us
• You don't need to reconnect with difficult parents to heal your relationship with them
• Children under 18 are energetically connected to parents and often mirror what needs healing in us
• A child's challenging behavior is often signaling something unresolved within the parent
• Our children come into our lives with soul contracts to teach us specific lessons
• Resistance to healing is common and often requires hitting "rock bottom" before change occurs
• The newer generations are more open to changing parenting patterns than previous ones
• We always have a choice to heal and move forward from inherited patterns

If you're curious to learn more or feel called to dive deeper, check out Blanca's website at awarenest.net where you can book a free introductory call.

And if you'd like to support me in my podcasting journey and get some free bonus episodes that everybody else can't listen to. You'll also have early access to each episode.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Blanca Molnar
• 4:14 Understanding Family Constellation Work
• 8:55 How Trauma Passes Through Generations
• 14:09 Healing Without Reconnecting with Parents
• 18:48 Children as Mirrors for Parental Healing
• 24:50 Resistance to Healing and Moving Forward

Transcript

Amy: 0:00

Welcome back to Advancing with Amy, Mental Health Warrior and Neuro Spicy Mama. Today's episode is a must listen for any parent who's ever asked themselves why am I reacting like this? Or why does this feel so familiar? I'm sitting down with the incredible Blanka Molnar, conscious parenting coach, speaker and founder of AwareNest. Blanka specializes in helping parents heal multi-generational trauma and raise neurodivergent or spirited kids with more understanding and less overwhelm. We're diving into family, constellation, work, parenting patterns, healing the past and what it really takes to break cycles and raise kids in a more conscious, connected way. Trust me, this conversation is about to open some doors you didn't even know were locked. Welcome, Blanka.

Blanka: 0:52

Thank you so much for having me, amy, and as you were reading this introduction, I just had shivers everywhere. It sounds amazing and I'm so excited I'm already buzzing to have this conversation with you.

Amy: 1:04

Yeah, I feel the same way. So can you describe your work as helping parents heal multigenerational trauma and what that actually means and looks like?

Blanka: 1:14

Absolutely. Yeah, sure, so I use a method called family constellation. The method comes from Germany. Actually, it's been around since 1970s, but it's not as well known in the US as it is in Europe or in South America. As you can hear my accent, even if I've been living in the US for a while now, I'm originally from Budapest, from Hungary, and that's where I met the method in 2010, when I had my first family constellation session for myself, and then I moved to California and I became an au pair in a multilingual family.

Blanka: 1:53

It was a multicultural family. The mom is Hungarian and the dad is Chinese American, so it was a lovely family to be in and I was taking care of two kiddos and that's where I realized that how much things we are passing on to our kids. And it scared me and I was on the older side of the au pairs because I had my corporate life before but it was eye-opening and that's when I decided that I want to change that from the core. It's not just when you are saying that, okay, I don't want to do whatever my parents did, and you swing into the 180 and you do complete opposite and you actually fall into the same traps. But I wanted to change from the core.

Amy: 2:42

And that's wonderful.

Blanka: 2:44

Thank you.

Amy: 2:44

And so how do you change from the core?

Blanka: 2:49

So how do you? I embarked on my spiritual journey when I moved to California and first I did from my logical side of my brain. I'm very logical and I was leading from the masculine energy kind of person like a do, do, do, go, go, go. So I read a lot of books like whatever you can have your hands on, all the spiritually popular books like the Law of Attraction, the Secret or the Four Agreements, and I did a lot of personality profiling, actually like the Mayer's breaks, the insights, discovery why I'm doing what I'm doing, what's my personality type. I looked at my astrological constellations and so I tried to understand it more from the numbers and my birth dates and other stuff. And then I tried a lot of healing modalities. I was in traditional therapy for two and a half years. I did others like Reiki and other healing modalities and I went back to Family Constellation because that's what I believe in that worked for me so much, because it goes very deep and it brings you back.

Amy: 4:09

Wow, so I'm glad you found something that works. Can you tell me a little bit about the modality and why it's so powerful?

Blanka: 4:17

Yes, so how Family Constellation works.

Blanka: 4:20

The foundation of the method is that actually, whatever you have in your life right now any challenges, either you or actually your kids like mental health issues, physical challenges, emotional challenges, financial challenges it's based on a trauma or an event that happened seven generations back. And why is it super magical and transformative? Because how would you know what happened, let's say, five generations back? How do you know that somebody had a survival guilt when they came back from the Second World War and that had an effect on the whole family and the whole lineage or on the descendants later? Because trauma actually can be carried in your DNA. You can inherit trauma. And even if you think that, oh, but I have a very nice childhood, or I had a very nice childhood, my parents were so lovely, they are not divorced, there might be that, like two, three, four generations back, something actually happened. And even if your parents were nice and lovely and that you had a nice childhood, something you picked up from that and you are like starting to projecting or having an effect of that.

Amy: 5:41

Do you have to find out what happened in those generations ago? I mean, is there a way to do that?

Blanka: 5:47

So that's what happens in a healing session. We actually I do one-on-one sessions and I use colored papers. Some papers use little plush figures or figurines, but when I put these colored papers in, interestingly, the family field or conscientious opens up and it shows that there is the root cause of that happening or that event. It's not always crystal clear what really happens. We are not here to dig up all the skeletons, because sometimes it's better if you leave it alone, but sometimes we need the sacred so we can explore emotions around it. That there was a lot of anger, for example, which is actually physically right now in your body and you don't understand when you are like I'm always tense, I'm always so angry.

Blanka: 6:41

So, yes and no, sometimes we know what's the event, sometimes we don't. We just put it as the spirit or the event itself. We don't have to know the details, the the ancestors might not want us to know because that was their life. The point is, and the the goal of a session, that we actually give back the responsibility and give back that burden to the person who actually belongs, because we as children, for our loves and for our loyalty, we carry burdens of others that actually didn't even belong to us. So that's how the healing happens that in a session we find the root cause what was the event, what were the emotions and feelings around that event and then in conversations we give the burden and the responsibility back to the person with whom that event happened that time.

Amy: 7:45

Wow, that sounds so powerful. I can just imagine that people really feel that resonate with them at the time. Do you find them coming out of? Depressions or anxiety isn't so much a problem anymore, things like that.

Blanka: 8:02

Yes, absolutely People come to me. So my niche is working with parents because of my why I wanted to heal the next generation and it all starts with us as parents. So that's my niche. But all sorts of people are coming to me with different issues. I'm working with clients who had sexual abuse. I had clients with ADHD, or I had clients with endometriosis, fertility issues.

Blanka: 8:31

So relationship problems or money problems and absolutely depression sometimes can actually be that you are cutting the support of your mom and dad off, that you are cutting the support of your mom and dad off Because what happens?

Blanka: 8:47

It's like I always say it's like an airplane trying to go without the engines. You are shutting it off Because, let's say, something happened and you had abusive parents or emotionally not available parents and you say that you know what? I just don't want to do anything with them. But the biggest gift you get in life is your life and that comes from your mom and from your dad, and this is from your biological mom and from your biological dad, and when you are shutting them out or saying that, oh, they were so horrible or they did this to me, you are actually it's like cutting a pipe of energy that wants to support you, and depression. I'm not saying that depression is always like that, but if we start to dig further, we usually see a pattern that either the mom or dad, or both of the parents, are actually shut out of the life of the person.

Amy: 9:46

Well, I'm wondering, because I do know people that have done that and they're happier, but not. They don't feel quite whole, but they are happier and able to get through the day easier without connecting with their parents. What do you say for people like them? Are they able to heal those wounds without reconnecting with their parents?

Blanka: 10:07

Absolutely. So. The beauty of family constellation. Sometimes I get this question that do I have to bring the other person who I have issue with or challenge with? And it's not. So actually you can work on that relationship with your parents without even contacting them. And sometimes the beauty is actually when you work on them and you heal a little bit. They might pick up the phone and out of blue, they actually just call you so you'd never have to forgive your parents. So the healing is not when you are like, oh, I have to forgive them, you are forcing me to say that I'm so sorry or please forgive me. It's like no, it's actually just bringing it to a more neutral level of emotion, into an accepting level, because even if you had horrible parents, let's say that first of all, you got your life and you are here because of them. That's one thing. And and they wanted to support you but they couldn't, that was their max.

Blanka: 11:17

So Eckhart Tolle, in the Power of Now, saying that your parents did their best, what they could do, and sometimes we are judging them that hey, but let's say, on a scale of 10, they did four. And how do you know that that's not 10 out of 10 for them because they just couldn't do better. And I felt the same way with my dad. That is like why he's not changing, why he cannot do better. But then I realized that, okay, just because I want to spiritually grow or develop or want to be a better parent or more conscious parent and self-aware parent, it doesn't mean that my dad didn't try.

Blanka: 11:57

And also, what family constellation gives is a different perspective that usually we see. That actually it didn't start with your parents. Your alcoholic dad is not alcoholic because he just picked up one day the alcohol and he decided that, oh, let's have fun and I will drink and be drunk all the time from now. Actually, it started somewhere up there and it all trickled down in one way or another and the next generation became a perpetrator and an abuser or a victim or an emotionally shut down person, so they couldn't give love to the next generation. So the next generation grew up without any emotions, so they don't know how to regulate their emotions. So it's all sorts of how it's like these generational I don't say curses, trickle downs or events it's like all different and it's based on your personality, how you will end up and what you will end up with.

Amy: 12:58

Wow, fascinating. So going back to parenting, yes. What about from the parent's side, when they maybe feel guilt and maybe they have some healing to do because maybe they were not using the best parenting methods and they've realized that now and they want to change or they have changed? Is that something you work with?

Blanka: 13:20

Absolutely, and I ask every parent out there that give yourself grace and just breathe in and breathe out. You are already doing your best, yeah.

Amy: 13:34

Sorry, yeah, sorry. I was just going to say I know with my daughter she's almost 15, but we had a hard time in the first several years because everybody kept telling me she wasn't behaving well enough and she was spoiled, and so I would get upset with her because I thought that was the problem. Come to find out she's autistic and she is one of those spirited children, and as soon as I found that out and started reading up on that and learning how to actually work with her, oh my God, it's a 180. For her and me. Life is so much better. But I do have some guilt over that. So that's what made me think of that. I do have some guilt over that, so that's what made me think of that.

Blanka: 14:15

So, yes, most of us parents, even if you are very self-aware and conscious, we slip. We are humans, we are not robots. It's like, even if that's what I'm teaching and doing, sometimes I yell, but and here is the but you can raise your self-awareness and you realize that. Why do you have that guilt? Or why you couldn't connect, or why am I actually yelling at my child? Because whatever we have in us, it's usually more about the parent than about the child.

Blanka: 14:51

What I believe is like so many parents is like want to fix the child and it's like why they are behaving like that. Why is this? This is like so hard, it has to be hard. It's not personal. They are not here to make your life a living hell. I can tell you that I actually have a recent blog post about that.

Blanka: 15:17

There are no bad kids and I truly believe that there are no bad kids.

Blanka: 15:19

There are, like, more difficult kids, more spirited kids with different personalities, and we shouldn't forget that they bring their own karma.

Blanka: 15:28

They are bringing their own life lessons and, if we believe in past lives or whatever, but they are also here to teach you. But it's very annoying because when you cannot walk away from your own child, because you can walk away from a friend, you can walk away even from your partner or a boss, but you can't walk away from your child and they are just rubbing so much under your nose, rubbing so much under your nose and and you just get like upset that, okay, I have to fix this, because usually we are fixers. But when you ask that, okay, why she's actually doing, why is it actually bugging me or what can be behind it and I know that this might be a trigger warning for some parents, but up until kids are about 16, 18 years old, they are energetically, are still very, very connected to their parents. What it means? That they are like picking up your energy, your attention, whatever is going on in your life, so much.

Blanka: 16:36

And they are reflecting back and that's more annoying so that's more annoying because, again, it's like some like it's like a red button, always like flashing into your face that okay, now I'm not doing against something or I do something which is like annoying, but it's just like that kid is just like hey, mama, something is not in alignment, there is some tension, or I understand that you are going through something or daddy is going through something, or work is not right and I'm here to actually act out. So you heal that. So as soon as it's like signpost, as soon as you are healing that and you are asking yourself the question and you heal yourself, your child will change, because you start to change. If you sleep and you yell at your kids, you can still go back and ask that, okay, why I was triggered, why this is yelling more about me than actually about my child, because yelling at my kids because she's a toddler.

Blanka: 17:45

So it's like crayons are everywhere in the house right now, or marks and stuff, or peeing. But it's like, why is it triggering me are peeing? But it's like, why is it triggering me? It's like, okay, because I cannot control the situation or I want to have order everywhere. But that's coming from my childhood, when I didn't feel that there is order around me. I felt like chaos, how I grew up in a former communist country.

Amy: 18:13

I think it's very interesting. I think personally, my own belief is that our children at some level picked to come into our lives to learn something and we at the same time, agreed to pick them to learn something from them. So it's kind of a circle, absolutely. And that could fall really well into what you're talking about absolutely again, depending on how much spirituality you believe in.

Blanka: 18:42

they are saying that the soul up there have different contracts, so you will have a soul contract with whoever you are around right now. That what is the life lesson. What do you need, need to learn, and that's how you pick people around it and you will have lovely friends and more challenging people and they are like, for a period of life you have them, or maybe they go away or a longer period of time, but they are all. I always say that people are here to teach us or to support us, because you need the supporters to actually get through the hard times, but the teachers I don't say that there are bad peoples in our life. There are more challenging peoples in our life, people in our life, but they are here to teach. It's not about them, it's about you.

Amy: 19:31

Yeah, honestly, when you look at it that way, it's just beautiful that we've agreed to do that and that we've agreed to fumble and make mistakes and pick ourselves up and try again. I mean it really is neat. So let's talk about resistance. What's a sign that someone is subconsciously resisting their own healing?

Blanka: 19:54

Yeah, oh, good question. Resistance first of all, as, again, fixers, we try to fix other people around us. It's like I have so many people that's like, can you help my brother, can you help my husband? And I usually say no, because you can lead the horse to the water, but you cannot make it drink it. So, unless you realize that there is something in your life going on that needs healing, and this is also generational. The baby boomers are more resistant. They are like I'm fine, why are you saying that I need something healing?

Blanka: 20:37

Meanwhile, the newer generation, especially millennials and Gen Z, like they are more open. That okay, we have to change the old agenda because it's not working. The old parental types, parenting types, are not working anymore. First of all, the world changed. Even just looking at the last five years after the COVID epidemic, it's just like you have to be more agile and more flexible, with also shifting with your own parenting. I can ask parenting tips from my mom, which sometimes I do, but that was 40 years ago. There was no social media around, there were no mobile phones, so how can she give me advice?

Amy: 21:21

Well, even for myself. I have two children, but I had them 18 years apart and it was like a whole new world when I had my second child. I was like I didn't do it that way before. And what is everybody talking about?

Blanka: 21:36

Absolutely. So going back to resistance, you cannot help the other person. They have to reach I usually say, hit the rock bottom. So that's when people are even like there is some very severe sickness happening with them or an accident, or grieving losing somebody. That's when we usually or an unemployment or a like fired after 20 years. That's when we are like, okay, we might have to reevaluate our life, we have to do something. It's still like that. They don't want to change, they don't want to heal. That's fine. But usually these are the signs, especially, especially accidents like big accidents. A big car accident is usually when you are not in alignment with your values and life wants to say like, hey, you have to do something about it. Usually I say that there are three signs from the universe, like first a little flick that hey, you have to do something, and then a little bit of like a hit, and then you get the big slap or a big kick on the rare. And that's when you have to really realize that okay, I really have to do something about it.

Amy: 22:53

Oh yeah, I agree, I've gotten those big kicks before. I was just wondering do you have an example of a family that you have helped? I don't want you to give any names, but just an example of how it works with someone you've actually worked with, Absolutely.

Blanka: 23:10

So I had a client who has ADHD and he's in traditional therapy but he also knows about family constellation and with him actually, what we realized that his ADHD is belonging more to his uncle, who was abusive in the family, than actually him. He took over some of his burdens and to carry and his anger. So in a family constellation session we healed part of that anger, we pulled that out and we allowed him to feel that anger. Because when something happens like that we have an abusive relative we are just so afraid of our power, our emotions and many times our anger and sadness that we suppress it.

Blanka: 24:03

Especially, men are great with this. They are just suppressing that feeling and it's like I don't want to feel this. I'm so afraid that I will be like him that I'd rather not try anything. But the problem with suppressing that it's not healing, it's not processing, it's just suppressing and in one way or another it comes out in an addiction or in ADHD or in other things. So what we did is was actually clearing and I told him that your anger is not you, it's not defining you, it's part of your identity, but it doesn't have to overpower you or control you. So in a session we release that like from a pressure cooker, so he could relax a little bit more.

Amy: 24:52

Oh, that's beautiful. I love that you can help people in that way, all right, well, I have really enjoyed this talk. How can people find you?

Blanka: 25:24

you or you can email me at Blanka with a K, so it's B-L-A-N-K-A at Awarenest. net and I'm happy to answer any questions you have.

Amy: 25:27

Great, and I will definitely put that in the show notes so people can just click on the link and get to your website. Thank you, yes. Is there anything you want to finish up with or leave with our listeners today?

Blanka: 25:41

That you are a powerful human being and you can heal and you have a choice, and don't forget that you always have a choice to heal.

Amy: 25:49

That's wonderful. Thank you so much. Thank you, Amy, for having me here.

Amy: 25:53

That brings us to the end of another eye-opening episode of Advancing with Amy, mental Health Warrior and NeuroSpicy Mama. Today's conversation with Blanka Molnar was truly inspiring. Thank you so much, Blanka, for sharing your wisdom on healing multi-generational trauma, conscious parenting and the transformative power of family constellation work. I hope everyone listening feels empowered by Blanka reminder that we always have a choice to heal and move forward. If you're curious to learn more or feel called to dive deeper, make sure to check out Blanka website at awarenestnet. That's A-W-A-R-E-N-E-S-T dot N-E-T, where you can book a free introductory call. Her expertise could be the key to a whole new chapter of healing for you and your family. Before you go, if you enjoyed this episode, please rate, review and share with a friend who might need to hear these messages. Your support helps us reach more listeners and bring you more incredible guests like Blanka. Thank you so much for being here and see you next time. Keep advancing, warriors. You.